Heckuva Job on Those Brownie Regulations

For sheer shooting-fish-in-a-barrel fun, there's nothing more reliable than mocking federal regulations. So it's not surprising that Reason magazine's Hit and Run blog is having a field day with the Pentagon's requirements for baking brownies.

Now I'll be the first to admit that a 26-page brownie regulation is, on the face of it, somewhat comical. But let me play just a little bit of devil's advocate here.

First of all, this isn't just any old brownie we're talking about. It's the brownies that go in the military's meals-ready-to-eat field rations that are shipped to remote outposts in war zones. So just any old mix isn't going to cut it for this stuff.

Second, while the recipe outlined in the regs is very detailed, the language says right up front: "The contractor is not required to follow the exact procedure shown below provided that the brownies conform to all finished product requirements..." Merely suggesting a tried-and-true method for producing brownies that work in MREs doesn't seem all that outrageous, especially when the finished product requirements are pretty reasonable:

The finished product shall comply with the following requirements, as applicable:

a. There shall be no foreign material such as, but not limited to, dirt, insect parts, hair, wood, glass, or metal.

b. There shall be no foreign odor or flavor such as, but not limited to, burnt, scorched, stale, sour, rancid, musty, or moldy.

c. There shall be no color foreign to the product.

d. Chocolate coating shall completely cover the product.

e. Product shall not be broken or crushed.

f. The dimensions of the coated brownie shall not exceed 3-1/2 inches by 2-1/2 inches by 5/8 inch.

g. The weight of the coated brownie shall be not less than 46 grams.

h. The texture of the brownie shall be firm but not hard.

i. The rectangular shaped coated oatmeal cookie shall not exceed 3-1/2 by 2-1/2 inches and shall not exceed 7/16 inch thickness.

j. The interior of the coated oatmeal cookie shall be crisp and have the characteristic flavor of oatmeal.

k. The weight of the coated oatmeal cookie shall be not less than 43 grams.

l. The chocolate coating shall be free from cracks, chips or rough spots.

Do you want to eat the brownies that are allowed to include insect parts and hair?

Finally, just imagine if soldiers started to get, say, salmonella-related illnesses from brownies in their MREs. What's the first thing members of Congress, reporters and watchdogs would scream: "Don't you people have regulations to prevent this sort of thing?" You want regulations that take into account multiple potential problems? This is what they look like, folks.