Major Dads

d Rook is on a mission. But instead of gunning down enemy ships, devising new strategies for attack or maintaining peace in international waters, Rook and a group of his fellow U.S. Marines are tackling a much bigger task-learning to change a diaper, burp a baby and bathe a newborn. It's a messy, stinky job often accompanied by gut-wrenching wailing, but one that also carries a great reward: bringing them closer to their children.

"I had no knowledge of how to take care of babies," says Rook, who went through a program known as Baby Boot Camp at the Quantico, Va., Marine base last summer to prepare for the arrival of his daughter, who was born in January. "They taught it in a way we could relate to. They had separate stations set up so we could get hands-on experience with plastic babies. They made up this mixture of peanut butter and mustard, I think, and put it in the diaper and on the baby. We had to clean it up."

This course is ideal for young new dads in the military who've had little exposure to babies and are about to have their lives changed by them. Baby Boot Camp is one of many programs federal agencies have begun offering to help their employees become better dads. Another program encourages dads to venture into prenatal breast-feeding classes with their wives so they can learn latching-on techniques and other tricks-and coach their wives as they struggle to feed their newborns.

These and the other seminars and workshops the government offers are aimed at helping fathers understand their children, get more involved with their education, learn disciplining techniques and keep in touch with their families if their jobs require them to be away for long periods of time.

The Importance of Dads

Kids need their fathers to grow up healthy and have a well-balanced life-and involved dads improve communities, says Wade Horn, head of the National Fatherhood Initiative, a program aimed at restoring the commitment of fathers to their families.

Studies show that a major cause of many of the nation's social ills is that too many kids are growing up without any connection to their fathers. A father's absence-physically or emotionally-is the leading contributor to welfare dependency, crime and delinquency. Children who are raised without a father's involvement also are more likely to have trouble in school.

"When fathers are absent, communities fall apart," Horn says. "Fathers help socialize children, and children help socialize men. Men who are connected to children are less violent and less aggressive than men who are not connected to children."

The Clinton administration has announced its support for efforts by organizations like Horn's to promote the importance of fatherhood to the well-being of children and to encourage men to realize their potential as fathers. In a June 1995 memo, President Clinton told the heads of executive departments and agencies that the future of the nation rests on strong families and that "committed fathers are essential to those families." He asked that all programs and initiatives regarding families ensure men are supported in their roles as fathers.

The following year, a conference jointly sponsored by the National Performance Review (now called the National Partnership for Reinventing Government), President Clinton's Domestic Policy Council and the Department of Health and Human Services looked at ways to support fathers. Their findings: Give employees flexible hours, expand options for telecommuting, work out a way to let fathers attend important school functions and set the tone at the top.

"All federal agencies are engaged in trying to figure out what they can do with their own workforce," says Linda Mellgren of HHS' Office of the Assistant Secretary for Planning and Evaluation. "Many are setting up different family service centers and being more responsive to issues that fathers might raise. Much of the activity is generic to a family-friendly workforce, that is, what fathers and mothers need to do to balance family and work life. But many places are also focusing specifically on fathers."

Some fathers need help in how to relate to their children. But many dads haven't participated in their children's lives-emotionally or otherwise-because they haven't felt their presence was important, says James A. Levine, co-author of Working Fathers: New Strategies for Balancing Work and Family (Addison-Wesley, 1997). Traditionally, men brought home the paycheck and women changed diapers. The roles were well-defined, and they rarely crossed.

Since Mom took care of the kids, Levine explains, it didn't matter whether Dad was around or not.

And many dads are not around. Today, Levine says, nearly 25 percent of all children grow up in fatherless homes. And 40 percent of them haven't seen their dads for at least a year. Communication isn't that much better even when dad is home. Studies show that the average father spends less than 10 minutes a day in one-on-one contact with his children.

The men's movement-which looks at societal expectations of men-is getting out the word that fathers do matter, and they perform a very different role than mothers. "Fatherhood is unique and irreplaceable," Horn says. "Fathers are different than moms, and they tend to approach their world differently. From studies, we know that fathers tend to be more physical in their interaction with kids, mothers more verbal. We like to wrestle with kids, rough-and-tumble play. This teaches them self-regulation. If kids get too aggressive, we say, 'Hey, shut it down or we'll stop.'

"Fathers encourage risk-taking and independence. Mothers are more cautious and focus on affiliation with family. This doesn't mean that we should separate out men and women to have specialized roles, but what moms and dads bring to the parenting equation is unique and complementary. We need to say to men, 'What you do as a father is critical to the well-being of your kid.' "

More men seem to be listening.

Levine quoted a 1996 Consumer Survey Center poll of men in their 30s and 40s done for Levi Strauss and Co. that found 84 percent of baby-boomer men equate success with being a good father. Other studies confirm that men find their primary emotional, personal and spiritual gratification in a family setting.

Balancing Act

But many men find it hard to be both a good employee and a committed father.

When Levine offered a workshop called "Daddy Stress/Daddy Success" at Merrill Lynch & Co. on Wall Street last year, the room was filled with dads who lingered on long after the session was over to continue talking about the dilemmas of being working fathers. "I have been researching and working with fathers for more than two decades," Levine writes in his book's introduction, "but 15 years ago, even 10, I never would have imagined this scene. A Fortune 500 company in a notoriously competitive business sponsoring a workshop on fatherhood? Men actually attending-and staying-because they thought it was important to them both as fathers and as employees?"

Realizing how important being an involved dad is to some employees-and that they are likely to be better workers if they are given flexibility to accommodate family needs-many companies are now trying to create a father-friendly culture at work. Levine quotes an official from S.C. Johnson & Sons Inc. as saying she was able to recruit a top male executive from Procter & Gamble with six kids because her office has a culture "that says we are about your family life and not just talk about mothers."

The federal government also wants to create a supportive environment for men so they can devote more attention to their home life. But are supervisors taking the policies seriously? HHS conducted a study-followed by focus groups of men and women separately-to look at the department's work-family policies. "The concerns about family and workplace issues were similar," Mellgren says. "But there was a strong sense among the men in the focus group that their supervisors would find it inappropriate for them to access the [family-friendly] policies. Many managers may have the attitude of, 'Isn't that your wife's job?' Guys felt there was the idea of either you are serious about your job or you are on the daddy track. You don't do both."

And while many of the workshops and seminars focusing on dealing with kids are for both parents, women are far more likely to take advantage of them. "It's mostly women in the class," says Mark Haven, a computer specialist in HHS' Office of the Secretary. Unlike most men, he is an active participant at such events, always asking questions and sharing tips on child rearing. But the few other men who show up usually stay toward the back of the room-or vanish.

Some agencies are beginning to market programs differently so men will attend. Instead of showing women with their children in promotional materials advertising events, posters now feature dad and child. "If you advertise programs for parenting classes," says Sandra Kolb, the family-friendly policy coordinator at HHS' Office of Human Resources, "mothers show up. But if you advertise for both mothers and fathers, both show up."

Libraries and resource centers are beginning to carry information about fatherhood. HHS' Work/Life Center stocks pamphlets on fatherhood as well as videos and books on parenting. The National Fatherhood Initiative's pamphlet "The Most Important Thing You Can Do For Your Children Is To . . . Be Their Dad" is a popular item at these offices. "I'm surprised at how many more men have been coming in here to look at the materials," says Beth Chaffee of HHS' Work and Family Program.

Diaper Duty

Some agencies are offering programs geared just for dads. Dennis Schaefer, chief of public affairs at the Ninth Coast Guard District in Cleveland, took a course on effective disciplining methods at "Dads University," a government program set up to provide information and services to fathers. "I learned about the mistakes I was making with my own kids," says Schaefer, who has a 10-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter. "You do need to be forceful, but not by yelling and screaming and punishing all the time. I learned to tone it down and deal with kids on their level."

Baby Boot Camp is also directed mainly at men.

At Quantico Marine Base, for instance, Marines learn how to mix bottles of infant formula, bathe babies and swaddle them. "We give them information on what to do when the baby cries," says Beth Harris, who directs the New Parent Support Program at the base. "What to do to help the baby relieve gas. Sometimes they like the sound of a vacuum cleaner or you have to put babies on top of a dryer and that calms them down."

The classes-which run from 9:30 a.m. to 3 p.m.-are limited to 10 Marines and are staffed by four professionals. Everyone starts out together, then breaks up to go into different booths to practice diapering, bathing, feeding and clothing. "They joke around," Harris says, "but they are serious about getting it right. We try to keep it lighthearted. It's not brain surgery, but it's important for them to know the basics, so they can support their wives in the daily care of babies."

Sometimes baby care workshops are offered at Navy or Marine bases. But often they are conducted on board ships when people are returning from their deployments, says Cynthia Graham, deployment services supervisor at the Navy Family Service Center. "At the request of the command," she says, "we travel overseas to embark on the ship at their last port, ride the ship back and offer various briefings, designed to refresh them with information about reuniting with family and their community."

Sometimes the Navy helicopters her from ship to ship.

"Many ships we serve have no females on board, so the focus is the new dads who've had a child born while at sea. The objective would be to highlight things they'll do to bond with the infant: bedding them, feeding them, getting up in the middle of the night. They are encouraged to do that, but we highlight realistic expectations of how things may have changed at home with their partner and have them come up with things they can do to ease the transition back home."

How do they learn? Graham takes an infant sleeper and fills it with socks, and attaches an orange to the neck of the sleeper to simulate a newborn's flopping head. "We do a lot of tactile types of things to make the lessons more visual," she says. The students typically learn quickly, she adds. "They are enthusiastic and open to information when they are heading back home. It's a teachable moment."

At the end of the course, graduates receive Baby's First Seabag, a small layette that includes crib sheets, blankets and baby clothes.

Besides helping new dads learn about basic baby care, the Navy also offers help in adjusting to life after baby comes through its New Parent Support Team. "The transition from a young couple to parents is difficult on the marriage," says Bill Coffin of the service's Family Advocacy Program. "Guys feel left out of the picture. Moms may be more tired, they may not be as responsive sexually, she's got baby on her mind more than husband. We try to provide some education and information to people who are in that stage of life."

Other agencies are also providing training that goes beyond diaper-changing.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just started a program that encourages female employees who attend prenatal breast-feeding classes to bring their spouses with them. "I teach men the technique for breast-feeding," says Rona Cohen, program manager for Sanvita, a breast-pump manufacturer. "When it comes to breast-feeding, men often think, 'I don't have anything to do with this.' But women don't remember all this stuff. After the delivery, you are lucky you can think. It's the man who needs to pull together his knowledge and skills."

During class, guys learn how the milk supply is developed and maintained and how to position the baby to attach to the breast. They even get to play mom. "I make them take the baby doll and put it up to their chest as if they were going to breast-feed, so they understand the positions," says Cohen. "This way, when they try to help their partner, they've done it. Guys get hysterical. They tease each other, but they do it."

By participating in such exercises, many dads in the federal government are making an effort to be more committed to their families. But the programs work only if managers allow their employees to take the time to attend them.

Surprisingly, many Navy commanders are gung-ho about helping dads. "I was shocked that the supervisors let the guys in my class go," says Rook, who was not on active duty when he enrolled in Baby Boot Camp. "That's a big change. In the past, you wouldn't have gone. If you were doing field exercises, that would take priority over how to change a baby's diaper."

Marcela Kogan is a Washington freelance journalist.